A Mother's Heart

After becoming a mother, many of my perspectives have changed drastically. I look at many things now through the eyes of a mother rather than through the eyes of a daughter. Yesterday, while watching an animated version of the story of Moses, I began to wonder about his mother. More often than not, when we think of the story of Moses, we think of him, how God saved him and so on. Yesterday for the first time, I put myself in his mother's shoes. She wants her baby to be safe, and so she does all she can to save him by putting him in a basket and setting him afloat in the sea. With what feeling that mother must have let go of the basket that carried her precious boy. Rather than see him slaughtered in front of her eyes she chose to let him go, pinning her hopes on her Lord. What faith she must have had to take that step. I imagined myself putting my child in a basket and trusting her to the mercy of the waves, and i am ashamed to say that i could not even imagine doing that. That kind of faith is most definitely not in my bag as yet! And then just think! She finds her son in the very house of his enemy - in the house of the very person who had issued the order to kill him and others like him! What would I have done? Again, I am ashamed to say that my faith would have most definitely faltered. Each day would have been torture. But then, look at how God works! Isn't it amazing that the very person who deprived him of all his slaves, grew up in the Pharaoh's own house! That the very person who went against him so boldly, was the one child who's life he had spared! That almighty God, who made pharaoh's downfall grow under his own protection, gave that mother the strength to go on! What a truly mighty God I serve! I know, that no matter how weak I am, that Lord who gave Moses' mother the strength to do the things she did, will keep my daughter safe, and give me the strength to bend to His will in her life. Praise the Lord!

Thankfulness

I have often thought of myself as a very thankful person, but recent retrospection has led me to believe the opposite. My thankfulness nowadays seems to stop where my purse strings close. That isn’t real thankfulness. Increasingly, financial worry, coupled with being in a new place, with no family at hand has made me less and less thankful and more and more worried. And so I decided that to be really thankful, I would have to start making a conscious effort to remember all the good things that God has graciously offered me. Instead of complaining about the smallness of my storage space, I choose to be thankful for a house, and a place where I can keep the stuff I really need, while I learn to throw out all the unnecessary junk I invariably collect. By giving me less room for storage than I had before, the Lord is teaching me to be less of a hoarder, and anyone who knows me well enough knows what sort of a hoarder I am. Instead of complaining about the trouble my daughter causes me while eating, I choose to be thankful first of all that I have a daughter to look after, without whom life in this country would have been almost a total misery, while so many many people in this world long for a child to call their own. Secondly, I thank the Lord that He has provided me with enough to make her another glass of milk if she spills the first one, while millions of people struggle to feed their children one square meal a day. Instead of complaining that I am bored sitting at home doing nothing, I choose to be thankful that God has given me so much time for leisure for me to pursue anything I want, while in many families, women are struggling everyday, juggling family and work, not as a choice but as a compulsion – to make ends meet, to fulfill commitments, and to give their children the best of everything, trading wonderful family time in the bargain. Instead of complaining about not having medical insurance yet, I choose to thank God for having provided my family and myself with wonderful health and the assurance of His protection from all sickness and disease. There are millions of things, some small, some big, to be thankful to God about, and I have realized, that when you truly spend time thanking God for His provision, you have very little time left for complaining. Try it. Thank Him for the air we breath, our ability to walk, our family, our friends, our capacities, our limitations, our ideas, our insights, our ignorance, our possessions, our weaknesses…the list is always endless. Thank Him more, and see the difference. Sometimes, like for me, thankfulness can be a real effort, but I tell you, it’s worth every cent… 

The Weird Little Dream

Writing about stuff? That’s easy…I could do it…I mean, how difficult can it really be? But then come all the snags, lined up Indian file, fighting to get in front…what do I write about? How do I start? How much do I say? Where do I stop? Do I begin at the beginning go on till the end and then stop?? All these questions vie for my attention, until as a body they all rush upon my brain, cook the little noodle I had in there, and leave me like a Hiroshima after the bombing! By the time I pick up the fragments of what is left of the little grey matter, the muse has left the building, and I am still standing there gaping at the sudden increase in breathing space…breathe in, breathe out…mmm…freshness…the freshness of total lack of thought…the freshness of emptiness…empty space…could be filled with anything…what can you fill it with? Books? Boxes? Crayons? Dolls? Pots and pans? And where is this empty space by the way? Is it a field? Is it among the clouds? Clouds? Clouds…rain…lightning, thunder…a picture of great big clouds rolling around, bashing into each other fills the mind…that’s what my mama told me happened when I heard thunder…my mama…with her bright smile, her long black hair, the wonderful food she made…food…what was my favourite food? Biriyani was always a hit. What else? Curd rice? Noodles? Noodles…I used to eat them on Sunday mornings after I got back from church and before I left for Sunday school. I used to watch Mayavi as I ate the hot noodles, week after week. Mayavi! Mukesh Khanna was the hero. Silly serial really…so many silly serials nowadays…women crying, men getting drunk, children getting lost…is it against the rules for people in serials to be happy? Happiness! What is it? Am I happy? Do I make others happy? What makes people happy? What makes me happy? Reading books makes me happy. Who writes these books? How do they write these books? Does it make them happy to write these books? Will it make me happy to write books? Will it make me happy to write? If it will, I should try it. That should be easy! I could do it! But what do I write about? How do I start? How much do I say? Where do I stop?

For My Princess

Come run into my arms, my princess
Hold me tight as only you can
Tell me all your dreams and wishes
My precious bundle of joy.

No one can make me laugh so much,
Nor weep with so much pain:
Your every pain is doubled in me,
Your every joy likewise.

I have great dreams for you my child
Oh yes and wishes too,
Of what a fine young thing you’ll be
Someday in someone’s eyes

Of how you’ll dance into
So many wonderful lives
As you with such little effort
Waltzed right into mine.

But more than all these earthly dreams
Is one pure heavenly one,
That you with all your heart will know
Jesus, the one true God.

For though you may have all you want
If Jesus you do not have,
Then my dear little one you don’t
Have anything at all.

So every day I ask the Lord
To speak to you with love,
And keep you close to Him forever,
Though you may choose to leave.

Hold tight to Him sweet Darling of mine
As you are holding on to me right now:
For though I may, perhaps, let go,
He never ever will.

Ananias and Jonah

Acts 9: 13

“‘Lord’, Ananias answered, ‘I have heard many reports about this man…’”

Many a times we, like Ananias, tell the Lord what He already knows, giving it as an excuse. Will not God have known about why Paul was there? In righteous anger, Ananias was gently reminding God about it! How many times has this happened to us? God knowing the end from the beginning is telling us something. But we, in our haste to be overly righteous, tell God what He already knows! It is time we checked ourselves before speaking to the Lord. It is good to be quick to obey – without questions. It is not our place to ask the Lord whether He really is sure about what He wants us to do. It is like God saying “Do this my son” and we reply with “Are you sure Lord???” It sounds so absurd!

The redeeming quality of Ananias is that as soon as God says “Go! This man is my chosen instrument…”, he obeys with no more questions. This is in stark contrast with what our Old Testament friend Jonah did! He did not even ask the Lord anything…he just ran away! It is infinitely better to be like Ananias, rather than like Jonah.

Another difference between Jonah and Ananias, is that whereas Jonah reacted with anger when the Lord chose to spare Nineveh, Ananias, as soon as Paul repents, calls him “brother”!

Jonah was a prophet

The voice of God Himself!

“Go” said the Lord, and he ran away

Away from God’s great will!

Ananias was a disciple

He listened to the voice of the Lord.

“Go” said the Lord, and “why oh Lord”

He asked, Questioning God’s great will.

Samuel was a little child

Who was woken up by the Lord

“Go” said the Lord and he went

Not a question came out of his mouth.

Be a child in the kingdom of God

Obey without a question

Better an Ananias than a Jonah,

But best be a Samuel!

Psalm 119: 33-37

“teach me oh Lord…Give me understanding…direct me…turn my heart…”

Teach: a teacher drills things into you. Especially at the kindergarten, and junior school levels, you are drilled into learning certain things like counting, the alphabet, the multiplication tables etc. But this drilling, although very redundant to us when we are learning, has the effect, that for the life of us, we will never forget the alphabet, or counting. Can anyone, who has had a basic education, ever say they don’t know how to count, or how to say A, B, C up to Z? It becomes a Habit.

Give understanding: At the kindergarten level, you are not required to understand many things. It is better to just assimilate things as they are brought your way. But you can’t keep learning by repetition, or getting things by-heart. As you grow older, you are required to understand concepts. We ourselves start asking questions, and the teacher listens to our questions, answers them, and helps us understand.

Direct: After school, no one will ever bother to worry about whether you understand anything they say. But really good lecturers and professors in college usually encourage us to learn for ourselves. When we do not understand certain things, instead of just giving us the answer to our questions, they direct us to the source of knowledge, the book, or a person, and our own research will then not only help us understand what we had a doubt in, but we will, in the process of reaching that understanding, also learn many more things. At this stage, the teacher becomes a facilitator. When we discover something for ourselves, there is a sense of achievement, and the advantage of something staying in our minds is more when we take the trouble to do research.

The Lord is like a teacher in our spiritual life. In our early stages of spirituality, He is a kindergarten teacher, who only gives us the basics. As we grow, we have more doubts, more questions, and He answers them for us. As we grow even more, He begins to let us discover for ourselves, what we do not understand. When the answer from God does not come as soon as we ask, it may be possible that God is treating us not like a child, but as a college graduate!

Turn: having said all this, the psalmist wants more. A teacher or professor will only go so far in our quest for knowledge. But our parents will MAKE us do things for our good. The psalmist doesn’t want God as a mere teacher. He wants Him as a parent, who when a child errs, will not be content with telling them it is wrong, but will actively make the child stop the wrong deed, and do what is right. That is why the psalmist wants the Lord to TURN his heart. Ask God to be your teacher. But also ask Him to be your father.