My Daughter and Me

Life can sometimes be very complicated if you are a mother, and no one can understand me better than mothers who have tiny little daughters. I have one, so believe me, I know what I am talking about. It seems like only yesterday that I was holding this little writhing pink creature in my arms, holding her close to my heart to keep her warm. Little did I know then that with that one tiny touch of her hand on my bosom, she was actually getting a grip of my entire life! Life changed dramatically since the day she came to this earth. Never have I felt such complicated and contradictory emotions in such rapid succession! One minute, I was holding her up for everyone to see, cooing over her slightest hint of a smile, proud of this cute little thing, and the next minute saw me crying out of sheer exhaustion of having to be awake at all times of the night. People kept telling me this was but a short period in my life, and it will be over with a blink of the eye. I wonder now whether they were just trying to be nice and calming, or whether they were all really ignorant about motherhood. For as I watched her grow, I saw more and more, that conflict was going to become a way of life for my feelings. On the one hand, I was the proud mother who watched her daughter take each step forward, growing from infant to child to toddler and on the other, I was the mother watching her little butterfly breaking free from the cocoon with a sinking heart. With each stage in her development, she showed me that I could be happy and sad at the same time. I was proud of her first step, but unhappy that soon she will not hold my hand while she walked. I was happy she began to eat on her own, but sad that she will not need me to feed her anymore. I was proud of her when she learnt to button her shirt, but sad that soon, she will not need me to dress her up. I was glad she liked school, but it tore me apart to see her let go of my hand and rush to her teacher. Conflicts! Conflicts! Conflicts! It’s a warm feeling with a blast of cold air. And then there are times when you are feeling cold, and there is the warmth of a blazing fire. Like when I wait for her after school. As I wait, I think of how much she has grown, and how she needs me less each day, and then the door opens, and she comes out, bag in hand. And the minute she sees me, her face lights up, and she comes rushing to me with a shout and almost crushes me in her hug. That is when I realize that life is going to be this way forever. She will never not need me, but she will also never always need me. 


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